when Knut and me decided to start this blog the only negative thought i had about it was that i didn't wanna be another happy wife and mother showing off on the internet. but we decided to go for it and blogging has become a big part of our days. our blog is about everyday life like cooking, raising kids, family time and not so much about my work as an artist and a writer. not so much about me taking sleeping pills because i don't know how to wrap up and go to bed either. but this rainy afternoon on The International Woman's Day i will go backstage and admit that i have some struggles. for starters my working routines are terrible. during the day time i fix practical things related to my role in our home and after the kids are tucked in and sent off to sweet dreaming i go to work - aka bring the computer out of it's sleeve. when i finally get the chance to sit down and focus i can go on all night. this has naturally left me exhausted after years of almost no sleep at all. the doctor's solution was medicine and last fall i started drugging my self as an attempt to get in touch with my physical needs. every evening around ten i take a chill pill and fall asleep. what the heck is that? i run around all day, shouldn't i get naturally sleepy? i think my main problem is worrying, the second is not being able to say no and the last thing is that i never feel good enough. i can always do a little better, try a bit harder and i can assure you my standards are high. it's never clean enough at our place. i never get done rearranging. all our meals are made from scratch. and the list goes on. every day we start out with homemade granola, breakfast buns fresh from the oven (yes, every morning) and scrabbled eggs. still, while i pour the kids cups of herbal tea i'm thinking about how to squeeze in time to make vegetable juices into our already busy routine. could i make them the night before or will they loose vitamins that way? and while on the subject, do we eat enough fruits? are we healthy enough? i know that i'm engaged and active but if i can't manage all my tasks for example because of illness or work related deadlines i feel so ashamed and guilty to the point that i'm ready to go to bad-mother-jail. if only i could find the time to get locked up that is. why am i doing this to myself? no one has asked me to. or? i love magazines. and girl, there are many to chose from. none of the ones i read question the role of my gender, but i don't really care. i enjoy reading about decorating and home cooked meals. i even have a scrap book in which i neatly glue in cut out tips for keeping a house. all of this while feeling like a schizo. because i am a feminist. it's true! why do i prefer Elle Decoration instead of the newspaper? and why do i spend so much time on planning how to perform our social life? i recently read The Feminine Mystic written in the sixties and guess what, i am the the woman from Betty Friedan's book. with the problem that has no name. but on the other hand, i'm also very happy. i have everything i ever dreamt of. i am an artist. my kids, my man, and everything concerned them brings me so much meaning. i'm a super woman. i face every challenge with an unbreakable belief in my own capability. i just need to be better at finding a balance so i don't kill my self trying so hard. and that is one thing i don't know how to do.